Monday, June 30, 2014

Bevanfield Films presents: Aladdin

Hey everyone, Dana here. I sincerely apologize for not posting since the beginning of the month. If you haven't seen my most recent blog post, I discussed that sick article about the two twelve year old girls who tried to murder their friend to prove that Slenderman was real. Don't worry, tonight's blog post is much more light-hearted and won't freak you out. It's a movie review! And for the ones who enjoy angry movie reviews...this one is for you. Tonight, I'll be reviewing Aladdin. No, silly, I'm not talking about the fabulous Disney movie. There's another Aladdin movie made by Bevanfield Films...and it may be the worst film I ever saw. Yes, it's even worse than The Room. It's...THIS ONE:
Just by the look of this poster, it's BAD.


Last weekend, I was at Eddie's house with Brendan, and Eddie's dad found this DVD with a bunch of movies on it while he was at work. One of the movies on the disc was this one. Now, I'm open minded to everything. I never give my opinion on anything unless I see it for myself. So, we popped the DVD in and watched it from the beginning to end...and I can't even begin to describe how poorly this movie was made. Oh wait, yes I can.

Scary gypsy lady!
Wannabe Jafar man!
Let's start from the beginning, shall we? The film opens with an aerial view of this town/village in Morocco, along with credits of who's in the film, who wrote it, produced it, etc. Then it cuts to this creepy guy with a mustache that moves when he talks, who I assume is Jafar, walking about the market place, sight seeing...I don't know. There was no explanation to who this man is. Then it cuts to this scary white-haired gypsy lady who calls Wannabe Jafar man over to show him something. To be honest, I couldn't even tell what was going on because the voice acting was barely audible over the music playing. Not even a minute has passed and I am already lost. She then gets angry at Wannabe Jafar man..and he laughs at her. She runs off, and he follows her into a room where Scary Gypsy lady is brewing some foul smelling potion. Once again, the voices are so low that they are literally incoherent. Not only are the voices incoherent, but the sound isn't properly synced up to the lip movement. After a few minutes of incoherent whispering to one another, we learn that Wannabe Jafar man has to travel to China to find a boy that will help him find a lamp. So...what is the relationship between these two characters? Are they friends? Allies? We'll never know because Scary Gypsy lady is never seen again until the end of the film. 
This British blue eyed Chinese guy is "Aladdin."

The setting moves to a village in China, where we see this kid who is supposedly stealing oranges and is chased off by the scary looking merchants who work there. It turns out that this blue-eyed, Chinese kid with a British accent is Aladdin; the one that Jafar needs to meet in order to find the lamp. 

Stop. Let me get this straight. THIS derpy faced kid is Aladdin? A person of Chinese decent has an Arabian name...and came from England? Are you kidding me? Aladdin is NOT Chinese, nor British! I don't care of this is a kid's movie and it was meant to be silly. It's completely inaccurate. I can clearly see why this DVD was found in the trash. I don't think anyone even knows about this version of Aladdin since the Disney version came out the same year. We obviously know which version is far more superior than the other.

The next scene takes place at some lagoon/palace where Aladdin spies on a couple of girls bathing in the pond/pool they're lounging in. His eyes land on the one who is brushing through her long dark hair that cuts into a song sequence. This girl is apparently a princess. I'd like to think that she's Jasmine, but this story is different from the Disney version. In the Disney version, Aladdin and Jasmine meet on the streets and become good friends before falling in love. Instead, Aladdin has fallen in love with a girl who he saw for a few seconds, and she doesn't even know he even exists. After the song sequence ends, he gets chased out of the palace and heads home. 

Okay, this movie has been on for over ten minutes and we still don't know what the plot of this movie is even about. The viewer is supposed to know the main idea of the plot within the first ten minutes, so there's another thing that's wrong with this movie. All I've seen so far is that Wannabe Jafar man has to travel to China, and Aladdin falls in love with some pretty girl after trespassing on private property. He heads home, and runs into Wannabe Jafar man who claims to be Aladdin's "long lost uncle." After maybe ten minutes of more incoherent blabbering in front of the hole, Wannabe Jafar man then bribes Aladdin into exploring an underground cave to retrieve a lamp that is supposedly buried down there.


Who IS this guy? Why is he wearing sunglasses in a dark cave?

While exploring the mysterious cave, Aladdin rubs his hands together where suddenly, a giant black guy with sunglasses and an afro appears out of nowhere, claiming to be a genie...or, Genie Jordan, to be specific. Are you serious? Can this film be anymore inaccurate in regards to Arabian culture and the time period? First off, the name is way too modern to be used in that time period. Secondly, the type of sunglasses that the genie guy is wearing weren't invented until the 20th century. This is based off an Arabian FOLK tale and wasn't published until the 18th century. Obviously the writers had to have been high or completely hammered when they wrote this disaster of a story. After these two meet, random clips of them goofing off, setting things on fire, getting lost, nearly drowning when the cave spontaneously floods, or just not adding anything to the plot. I was totally lost. I literally did not understand a damn thing about their time in that cave.

Aladdin and Hipster Genie man retrieve the lamp and escape the cave after meeting an English talking bird that flies them out of the hole in the ceiling that brings them back to Aladdin's backyard. Wannabe Jafar man supposedly left and Aladdin has doubts that Wannabe Jafar man really was his uncle after all. Hold on, wait a minute. Wasn't the whole idea of Wannabe Jafar man traveling to China was for the damn magic lamp? If Aladdin got the lamp, then why the hell did he leave before Aladdin returned? Did he decide to go for a jog or went to go take a nap somewhere? Where did he go, and why did he leave?

While Aladdin is outside cleaning the lamp with a cloth, another genie appears, but only Aladdin can see him and talk to him. So in other words, if he tries communicating with non-hipster genie man in public, Aladdin has gone bonkers and lost his mind. Aladdin uses a wish to become rich so he can marry a girl that he's looked at for a total of five minutes. The girl hasn't even had a conversation with Aladdin. What if she was in an arranged marriage? Who does those things? Again, stupidity at it's finest. If Aladdin is insane, so are the writers. I guess the writers of this movie wrote this acid trip of a movie about themselves.

Later on, after another series of incoherent conversations between the Sultan and other characters that have no back story or introduction, Aladdin is suddenly famous for producing light without a flame. He succeeds, and wins the Sultan's respect so he can marry the Sultan's daughter. But isn't there supposed to be conflict? Plots can't continue without conflict or there's no story to be told.

Later on, Wannabe Jafar man gets his revenge and has Scary Gypsy lady come back to kidnap the Sultan's princess and make the palace disappear. Aladdin, Hipster Genie guy and other minions travel to find the missing palace and the wife, or whatever her name is since the voice acting and voice sync is so bad, that no one can comprehend what is going on. While journeying through the snowy mountains, that English talking bird from the mysterious cave finds Aladdin and his men and guides them to the missing palace so they can rescue the wife. Aladdin succeeds and they live a happily ever after.

Are you kidding me? I literally lost an hour of my life watching it. I've seen some pretty terrible movies in my life...but now, I can officially say this is the worst of them all. At least with The Room, I can laugh, enjoy it, and watch it because despite it's poor acting, plot holes, etc, it at least developed a cult following. This movie, however, is so bad that I literally had to dig through the depths of IMDB just to get the name of this movie. This movie was clearly found in the trash for a reason. I've never heard of "Bevanfield Films" in my life, and I'm sure they're pretty much dead too.

This movie is broken up into six parts on YouTube. If you really want to let your eyes bleed from how terribly made this movie is, knock yourself out and watch it. Don't say I didn't tell you so. Thank you for reading, and enjoy the rest of your week.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Slenderman: A Danger To Youth?

Hey everyone, Dana here. Let me apologize for not posting since May 9th. Work has been crazy, shows with my band have been picking up, and job interviews have come my way. Life has gotten quite busy lately, and I haven't gotten a chance to sit down and write in a long time. I sincerely apologize to you. Well, I'm back, and I got something that really irks me and inspired me to write. I read about something really disturbing yesterday, and I feel it's time to put my two cents into this article. Tonight's blog post is current events/youth culture related. I'm talking about Slenderman and how two evil children took that "Creepypasta" character's motive way too far.
Slenderman

If you're not familiar with Slenderman and Creepypasta, let me explain. Slenderman is a fictitious stalker/serial killer that someone came up with on Creepypasta.com and became a viral internet meme where Slenderman is photoshopped into the background of pictures with friends. It's a stupid, silly internet meme. Everyone knows that internet memes are for laughs and no one takes them seriously. Creepypasta is a website that is dedicated to horror stories, ghost stories, and other disturbing stories that people come up with all year round, and gain popularity around Halloween. 


I remember reading a Legend of Zelda Creepypasta many years ago and got spooked out by it, but I knew that it was just a spooky myth that someone came up with just to get a rise out of people. Hell, me and some friends at Queens College participated in a Halloween themed radio show and some of us read horror stories off of Creepypasta.com. It's all fun and games, and none of these characters or stories are based on facts. Myths, maybe; but they're not real.  Especially Slenderman of all Creepypasta characters. No one is that tall and that thin to be considered a real human being. But what happens when children take those stories too far and end up hurting someone or themselves?

On Saturday, May 31st, two twelve year old girls, Morgan Geyser and Anissa Weier, attempted to murder their "friend" by stabbing her 19 times and leaving her for dead in the woods. That wasn't exaggerated. NINETEEN TIMES. Thankfully, the victim was found and rushed to the hospital where she lies in stable, but critical condition. She survived 19 stab wounds and was milometers away from dying. The suspects just missed a vital artery. These two attackers have apparently been planning the victim's murder since December and pretended to be the victim's friend; such as inviting her to slumber parties, birthday parties, etc. They were going to tape her mouth shut and kill their friend in her sleep, but they decided a bathroom would be a better place to do it since apparently cleaning a bathroom is easier than cleaning a bedroom. Their reason behind the attempted murder? They wanted to prove that Slenderman was real.

My reaction to their reason behind the attempted murder.
Believe me, ladies and gentleman, I didn't want to believe that was their reason for hurting that poor little girl either. When I found out about this, I thought it was a rumor. I thought it was another stupid rumor just to cause controversy and make people talk. I also didn't think anything of it because I seriously didn't think that they didn't have common sense to know that deliberately hurting someone is wrong. But unfortunately, it's true. There are several articles citing this crime, and I literally had a loss for words up until tonight. I didn't think that preteen girls would have the audacity to commit a heinous crime based on a ridiculous character from a silly horror story website. 

Yes, children imitate what they see and read. Yes, they pretend they're their favorite super heroes or villains, imitate them, and end up getting hurt. No, they absolutely shouldn't do it, but at least they learn a valuable lesson afterwards: don't take anything you see on television seriously. The exact same thing goes for books and other fictitious content online; if it's fake, don't take it seriously. But preteens can distinguish the difference between fact and fiction. Apparently Morgan and Anissa didn't.

Why these two girls believed in a ridiculous Creepypasta story is beyond my wildest dreams. Kids getting entertained by horror stories is completely acceptable; playing around and imitating is okay too. But literally taking a knife and attempting to murder someone based on what they read on a website? Absolutely not. Should they be tried as adults in the court of law? Yes, definitely. That's not harsh at all. I don't believe in "kids will be kids" anymore; especially if they pull something like this. I don't believe in giving them a slap on the wrist for committing something so disgusting and vile to an innocent girl who thought these girls were her best friends. 

Now here's the question that everyone asks after reading this horrific article: Should we blame Slenderman and Creepypasta.com for their behavior? Should we make a petition to get Creepypasta.com off the internet? My answer: ABSOLUTELY NOT. 

People have the right to post and create stories on Creepypasta.com, Fanfiction.net, Fictionpress.com, etc. I don't care how messed up those stories are; people can create whatever horror story they want. But don't you dare blame media for your child's delusional, sadistic behavior. 

"Oh, but Dana, that's inappropriate content! Someone PLEASE think of the children!"

No, how about you curb your child and teach them that fiction is not real? Why don't you tell them that MURDER, let alone hurting someone, isn't a joke? Blaming a fictitious character for your child's behavior is the equivalent of blaming a pack of cigarettes for lung cancer. If you chose to consume it, YOU are to blame; not the content. There's a little something monitoring your child's internet history content. If you see something that's questionable, TALK TO THEM. Ask them what the content is about, and explain to them that it's fake and should never be taken seriously. Don't shelter them; let them experience things in life and then teach them what to take into consideration. It's simple. Talk to them.

My final thoughts on this? If you go to their website, the very first thing you see is "CREEPYPASTA.COM --Scary paranormal stories and Short Horror MicroFICTION." See that, ladies and gentleman? FICTION. I rest my case. Good night.