Monday, June 30, 2014

Bevanfield Films presents: Aladdin

Hey everyone, Dana here. I sincerely apologize for not posting since the beginning of the month. If you haven't seen my most recent blog post, I discussed that sick article about the two twelve year old girls who tried to murder their friend to prove that Slenderman was real. Don't worry, tonight's blog post is much more light-hearted and won't freak you out. It's a movie review! And for the ones who enjoy angry movie reviews...this one is for you. Tonight, I'll be reviewing Aladdin. No, silly, I'm not talking about the fabulous Disney movie. There's another Aladdin movie made by Bevanfield Films...and it may be the worst film I ever saw. Yes, it's even worse than The Room. It's...THIS ONE:
Just by the look of this poster, it's BAD.


Last weekend, I was at Eddie's house with Brendan, and Eddie's dad found this DVD with a bunch of movies on it while he was at work. One of the movies on the disc was this one. Now, I'm open minded to everything. I never give my opinion on anything unless I see it for myself. So, we popped the DVD in and watched it from the beginning to end...and I can't even begin to describe how poorly this movie was made. Oh wait, yes I can.

Scary gypsy lady!
Wannabe Jafar man!
Let's start from the beginning, shall we? The film opens with an aerial view of this town/village in Morocco, along with credits of who's in the film, who wrote it, produced it, etc. Then it cuts to this creepy guy with a mustache that moves when he talks, who I assume is Jafar, walking about the market place, sight seeing...I don't know. There was no explanation to who this man is. Then it cuts to this scary white-haired gypsy lady who calls Wannabe Jafar man over to show him something. To be honest, I couldn't even tell what was going on because the voice acting was barely audible over the music playing. Not even a minute has passed and I am already lost. She then gets angry at Wannabe Jafar man..and he laughs at her. She runs off, and he follows her into a room where Scary Gypsy lady is brewing some foul smelling potion. Once again, the voices are so low that they are literally incoherent. Not only are the voices incoherent, but the sound isn't properly synced up to the lip movement. After a few minutes of incoherent whispering to one another, we learn that Wannabe Jafar man has to travel to China to find a boy that will help him find a lamp. So...what is the relationship between these two characters? Are they friends? Allies? We'll never know because Scary Gypsy lady is never seen again until the end of the film. 
This British blue eyed Chinese guy is "Aladdin."

The setting moves to a village in China, where we see this kid who is supposedly stealing oranges and is chased off by the scary looking merchants who work there. It turns out that this blue-eyed, Chinese kid with a British accent is Aladdin; the one that Jafar needs to meet in order to find the lamp. 

Stop. Let me get this straight. THIS derpy faced kid is Aladdin? A person of Chinese decent has an Arabian name...and came from England? Are you kidding me? Aladdin is NOT Chinese, nor British! I don't care of this is a kid's movie and it was meant to be silly. It's completely inaccurate. I can clearly see why this DVD was found in the trash. I don't think anyone even knows about this version of Aladdin since the Disney version came out the same year. We obviously know which version is far more superior than the other.

The next scene takes place at some lagoon/palace where Aladdin spies on a couple of girls bathing in the pond/pool they're lounging in. His eyes land on the one who is brushing through her long dark hair that cuts into a song sequence. This girl is apparently a princess. I'd like to think that she's Jasmine, but this story is different from the Disney version. In the Disney version, Aladdin and Jasmine meet on the streets and become good friends before falling in love. Instead, Aladdin has fallen in love with a girl who he saw for a few seconds, and she doesn't even know he even exists. After the song sequence ends, he gets chased out of the palace and heads home. 

Okay, this movie has been on for over ten minutes and we still don't know what the plot of this movie is even about. The viewer is supposed to know the main idea of the plot within the first ten minutes, so there's another thing that's wrong with this movie. All I've seen so far is that Wannabe Jafar man has to travel to China, and Aladdin falls in love with some pretty girl after trespassing on private property. He heads home, and runs into Wannabe Jafar man who claims to be Aladdin's "long lost uncle." After maybe ten minutes of more incoherent blabbering in front of the hole, Wannabe Jafar man then bribes Aladdin into exploring an underground cave to retrieve a lamp that is supposedly buried down there.


Who IS this guy? Why is he wearing sunglasses in a dark cave?

While exploring the mysterious cave, Aladdin rubs his hands together where suddenly, a giant black guy with sunglasses and an afro appears out of nowhere, claiming to be a genie...or, Genie Jordan, to be specific. Are you serious? Can this film be anymore inaccurate in regards to Arabian culture and the time period? First off, the name is way too modern to be used in that time period. Secondly, the type of sunglasses that the genie guy is wearing weren't invented until the 20th century. This is based off an Arabian FOLK tale and wasn't published until the 18th century. Obviously the writers had to have been high or completely hammered when they wrote this disaster of a story. After these two meet, random clips of them goofing off, setting things on fire, getting lost, nearly drowning when the cave spontaneously floods, or just not adding anything to the plot. I was totally lost. I literally did not understand a damn thing about their time in that cave.

Aladdin and Hipster Genie man retrieve the lamp and escape the cave after meeting an English talking bird that flies them out of the hole in the ceiling that brings them back to Aladdin's backyard. Wannabe Jafar man supposedly left and Aladdin has doubts that Wannabe Jafar man really was his uncle after all. Hold on, wait a minute. Wasn't the whole idea of Wannabe Jafar man traveling to China was for the damn magic lamp? If Aladdin got the lamp, then why the hell did he leave before Aladdin returned? Did he decide to go for a jog or went to go take a nap somewhere? Where did he go, and why did he leave?

While Aladdin is outside cleaning the lamp with a cloth, another genie appears, but only Aladdin can see him and talk to him. So in other words, if he tries communicating with non-hipster genie man in public, Aladdin has gone bonkers and lost his mind. Aladdin uses a wish to become rich so he can marry a girl that he's looked at for a total of five minutes. The girl hasn't even had a conversation with Aladdin. What if she was in an arranged marriage? Who does those things? Again, stupidity at it's finest. If Aladdin is insane, so are the writers. I guess the writers of this movie wrote this acid trip of a movie about themselves.

Later on, after another series of incoherent conversations between the Sultan and other characters that have no back story or introduction, Aladdin is suddenly famous for producing light without a flame. He succeeds, and wins the Sultan's respect so he can marry the Sultan's daughter. But isn't there supposed to be conflict? Plots can't continue without conflict or there's no story to be told.

Later on, Wannabe Jafar man gets his revenge and has Scary Gypsy lady come back to kidnap the Sultan's princess and make the palace disappear. Aladdin, Hipster Genie guy and other minions travel to find the missing palace and the wife, or whatever her name is since the voice acting and voice sync is so bad, that no one can comprehend what is going on. While journeying through the snowy mountains, that English talking bird from the mysterious cave finds Aladdin and his men and guides them to the missing palace so they can rescue the wife. Aladdin succeeds and they live a happily ever after.

Are you kidding me? I literally lost an hour of my life watching it. I've seen some pretty terrible movies in my life...but now, I can officially say this is the worst of them all. At least with The Room, I can laugh, enjoy it, and watch it because despite it's poor acting, plot holes, etc, it at least developed a cult following. This movie, however, is so bad that I literally had to dig through the depths of IMDB just to get the name of this movie. This movie was clearly found in the trash for a reason. I've never heard of "Bevanfield Films" in my life, and I'm sure they're pretty much dead too.

This movie is broken up into six parts on YouTube. If you really want to let your eyes bleed from how terribly made this movie is, knock yourself out and watch it. Don't say I didn't tell you so. Thank you for reading, and enjoy the rest of your week.

4 comments:

  1. This film was so bad. Besides a few laughs from the terrible animation, or goofy faces, this film was so freaking boring! They didn't name a single character for a good 15-20 minutes. The locations were totally inaccurate. And the worst part is, there was a paperthin plot. The plot itself didn't appear for 40 minutes, and was resolved in under 15. Great blog, terrible film. And I use the word film very loosely.

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    1. Yeah, they were either on drugs, or the writers were rookies!

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  2. The names "Wannabe Jafar man" and "Scary Gypsy lady" probably amused me way more than they should have. You did such a great job writing this review that half of me wants to check the movie out and experience the awfulness for myself, and the other half wants to avoid it at all costs.

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  3. It's because in the original story happened in a Chinese setting, somewhere in Turkestan where they had contact with the Arab world. Aladdin is Chinese . Disney remade him as Arab, and Princess Badroulbadour (full moon of full moons) was changed to Jasmine

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